Ethan Coen’s first mainstream film without his brother is now out in theaters, Drive-Away Dolls. I will quickly review it before getting into how it should be seen. If you don’t want spoilers, just skip the following paragraph.

Drive-Away Dolls has the classic Coen dialogue, Coen quick edits, and Coen gags, but something is missing. Despite great lead performances from Margaret Qualley and Geraldine Viswanathan, the quirky plot of this movie falls flat. Celebrity appearances from Pedro Pascal and Matt Damon are cute, but don’t add much humph. Much will be made of the sexual nature and open sexuality of Drive-Away Dolls, but to me that’s all fine; the main issue is story arch. The leads bring a great energy, Bill Camp is great in his couple of scenes, but the plot is pretty generic and there is never a moment of true suspense or even triumph. Matt Damon getting shot over a briefcase of dildos? That sounds better than it actually is.

Ok, now that that half-assed review part is over, it’s time for the main entree. The Menshawl Movie Watchability Index (MMWI) is a scientific way to break down whether or not you should see a movie. This Index was created in our labs to justify whether or not a movie is…watchable, and if so, with whom?

Since our human internet minds are conditioned to think in terms of 5 star ratings, this scale can achieve 5 stars. However, a 5 star movie does not mean 5 stars in the common use of 5 stars. For example, critically, Poor Things may be a 4 or 5 star movie, but it would definitely not score 5 on this scale. Why? This scale is for you to determine, if you’re going to go see this movie, should I go alone or should I ask that girl out at the gym to go?

Here is the scale:

Would I watch this movie…

  1. On a first date.
  2. With my mom.
  3. With the “boys/girls”.
  4. With my boys/girls.
  5. Alone.

Please keep in mind this scale can be adjusted for the “girls” or the girls, but you get the point. You may think this sounds like some studio marketing scale to try to make a movie for everyone. It’s not. A one star watchability movie could be a great movie. It could also be Fifty Shades of Grey (Although you could argue whether going alone or with the “boys” would be appropriate for that film)Conversely, a 5 star movie might check all the boxes, but just be a pretty-good movie (think Lego Movie). Actually, you’re right, using stars is confusing. Let’s switch to monocles instead. That makes more sense.

  1. On a first date. Um….probably not. This one is a bit too sexually liberating for a first date. Now, if your date suggests it, sure go for it, but pull the “going in blind” line. If you say you’ve heard this movie is really cool and take a first date to it…there probably won’t be a second date. Unless of course your date is a mature adult who is comfortable with sex scenes, but if you’re an average American young adult, then probably not. No.
  2. With my mom. Recently I suggested my mom go see Poor Things. I highly enjoyed that movie and thought she would appreciate the humor. Shortly before she went, she mentioned bringing my sister along. It was too late. I felt bad that my sister had to watch brothel sex scenes with our mom. But then again, I didn’t feel bad because Poor Things is great and people should see it. That being said, I would not willingly take my mom to Drive Away Dolls. No.
  3. With the “boys/girls”. A group of puberty driven dudes seeing this movie would be funny to see, but ultimately a no. A group of women seeing it? Possibly yes. I won’t speculate but I would speculate that was the target audience for this. Especially women’s soccer teams. Yes.
  4. With my boys/girls. This means kids. I don’t actually have kids as of this writing (that I’m aware of), but I think parents would appreciate this rating. The answer is a resounding NO (the only case I would make for this one is if you were that dad from Poor Things who took his sons to the brothel to learn about sex, then this movie might have a case. How many times am I going to mention Poor Things in an article not about Poor Things? Also, how long can a parenthesis go?) No.
  5. Alone. Alone is the trickiest category because really this depends on your tastes and your confidence. I for one love going to movies alone and I saw this one alone (Alexa play Lonely by Akon). The best part about writing about movies is I can say I’m a critic. So if anyone in the theater judges me for watching 90 minutes of high impact sexual action, I can say it’s my job. (Movie critics are similar to photographers. Anyone with a nice camera or local movie theater can do it! God I love unnecessary parenthesis!) This movie I think actually benefited from me seeing it alone, saving me from generic “I didn’t get it” conversations with others. Yes.

Final tally: 2 Monocles-That makes this a glasses movie (what that means is TBD).

So if you’re thinking about seeing Drive-Away Dolls, now you know who to go with, enjoy!